Un-resolution

Every moment is a new beginning.  I try to tell myself that often, because often I make mistakes and end up feeling like a total screw-up.  I think I might have good reason to feel inadequate, because all of us are.  We cannot do alone what is possible only with God.  So this year I'm resolving not to resolve anything, because every moment I can be made new by God's grace.  Every moment, I should ASK to be made new by God's grace because I am simply His humble servant, not worthy of the gifts He gives me, yet He still gives and gives.  I am nothing without Him, and I want to remember that, be aware of that every second of every day.  My words do not seem like they do justice for the feelings of my heart, but I suppose that means I am on the right track.  I have a desperate hunger for God, and I don't know if I need any other longing in my life.  It is my purpose.  We'll see what this year brings.  I have never been so focused on God, and I'm hoping it will continue...

2 more laps...

It's no secret to my friends that I'm a huge fan of Apolo Ohno.  I first watched him on the ice in the 2002 Winter Olympics in Salt Lake City.  It was phenomenal to watch this incredibly focused athlete skate short track with such a calm spirit.  His strength is not only amazing, it's probably unrivaled in his sport.  Anyways, I've been reading his book, Zero Regrets, and instead of being a book of secrets and revelations, it's about him growing into the person he is today.  It's about taking advantage of the opportunities you are given in life.  It's about not being scared to live life to the fullest.  I admit, the dude has some weird things that he does as far as training and healing and all that, but it's his mentality I'm trying to enlist in my own life.  At one point in short track, they added on two laps to a trial.  Nine laps.  Apolo started talking about endurance at that point.  To sum it up, he explained it as one lap is equal to working out full-throttle.  You have to do that seven times.  Until they changed it... and then you still have 2 more laps after you've given all you're capable of giving...or so you think.  It's like when you run and run, feeling the burn in your thighs and calves, your lungs about to explode...and you keep on going.  (Yes, I did run at one point in my life!).  I'm feeling that right now, only on an academic or mental level.  I'm in the middle of my senior year of college.  Finally.  The end is near, I can see it coming!  But I'm so freakin' worn out.  I work hard at my job, I really do.  Not that I'm bragging, but it's physically and mentally demanding.  I walk all day, up to 8 miles actually.  That's just the beginning.  I also see wives break down and fall in the hallway after their husband has passed, teenage daughters sobbing on their mother's shoulder because her daddy had a heart attack and needs open heart surgery, the father on a ventilator reaching out as his son walks away, weeping, lost babies.  I see the empty vessels after a person has passed.  And I pray pretty much all day long on behalf of these people.  Some of my co-workers can ignore all this stuff.  I can't.  God makes me see it.  Then there's the always unpredictable variable.  These days it's a case of cancer, and the waiting game to see if it's early enough.  The waiting game always produces Twenty Questions multiplied by millions for me.  With that trifecta of stressors, I still have two more laps.  Until a few hours ago, I didn't give a hoot if I finished those last two laps, but you know what?  I don't really have a choice.  This is the path God has chosen for me, and He's gonna see me through it, even if he has to carry me all the rest of the way.  This evening, I felt Him pick me up.  He has lifted my spirit, and I'm not only going to finish this dang race of life, I'm going to win it!  Life is about developing endurance, and I think I'm well on my way, even if I do need a Holy Helping Hand once in a while. :0)

Me, Myself and Lies

This evening I began a Bible study called "Me, Myself and Lies" with a group of amazing women, and my learning started not long after I got home.  We're supposed to be cleaning out our "thought closets", and I, feeling very proud of myself, was thinking that my closet's not that cluttered.  I don't have much negative self-talk these days because I've been drawing closer and closer to God.  And then BAM!  I get home to finished some homework- group work, mind you- and I realized I'd read the class email wrong and missed the deadline to make final revisions.  I'd let my group down.  I'd gotten us a poor grade.  I was a failed leader.  What was that??  Negative thoughts?? It was like getting smacked in the face, God-style.  His style is more like punching you in the heart, though, I think.  I don't like letting people down AT ALL.  I struggle with this on a daily basis.  I pray about this all the time.  Yet it happens again and again.  What I haven't really realized, though, is that God loved me before I made that mistake, and He still loves me after I made that mistake- no less.  Maybe He even loves me more!  Maybe now that I've learned from this little bump in the road and applied His Word to it, He's rejoicing and loving me more because of it.  I think that's what He wants for us anyways- for us to learn from His teachings, be it big things like compassion or His love, or little things like paying attention to detail.  I mean, you never heard about Jesus being late to a baptism or gathering or Last Supper.  He paid attention to detail.  His schedule was determined by our Heavenly Father, while my school schedule is determined by my professor, but you get my point. 

Anyways...It's so amazing to see God working so swiftly in my life.  The more I learn, the more He teaches, and the more I hear Him in my heart. 

What I'd like to say....

Dear Abnormal Psych Group,

I understand that this is a difficult class, and it is very demanding.  It requires a lot of time, which I understand is hard to come by when you're a student, parent, employee, etc.  But YOU signed up for this class, along with any other classes you're taking.  So get over it and do your work.  Quit discussing how this class "pisses" you off in our discussion areas.  Our teacher reads it, you idiots.  Suck it up and just get it over with, or don't do anything and I'll take credit for everything.  Whatever.

Your classmate,
Amy

What I really said:

Actually, if you look at the next three weeks, the workload does get smaller, except for our core assessment.  And this week the Group Topic replaces our normal Homework.  And Week 8 only has three assignments.  So it does get better!  And I don't think this discussion room is the appropriate place to vent about our frustrations with this class, especially since Professor can access it and it might be hurtful to her.  Some classes are easier and some are waaayy harder, but we still go through it to achieve our ultimate goals.  Good luck to all of us.

Amy :0)


I'm too nice for them.  I hope it's contagious and I infect them with uncontrollable positivity. Heh, heh, heh!

No other explanation...

I've GOT to get this off my chest.  Some of you might think I'm a freak or off my rocker, but here it is. 

After reading an incredible book about communicating with God, the spiritual warfare that is very real and going on every day in our lives, and developing an extreme want to connect more with God, I got what I wanted.  In a small, scary way.  I was alone, and it was mostly quiet.  I wanted to just listen to see if God was talking.  Clearing my mind is a very, very difficult thing for me to do.  There are always distractions and noises everywhere that I seem to be extremely sensitive to.  I have racing thoughts almost all the time, and an ongoing stream of conversation of self-talk.  I don't know if I've ever truly emptied my mind until today.  I kept telling myself to "be here now", because that's what God is, right?  He is Now and Forever.  I don't know why I even started this thought process, but I'm sure it was the Holy Spirit moving within me.  Soon, "be here now" wasn't just a thought, it was an action, and I was being now.  I was being now, and nothing else, and then it happened.  It was like when you call someone and you know they're on the line, but neither one of you is saying anything.  I was there listening for Him, and I wonder if He was listening for me.  He didn't say anything, but I knew He was there.  It only lasted for a few seconds, but it scared me.  Not like horrifying, just frightening.  I didn't understand the fright this morning, but you know how the angels in the Bible always told people to not be afraid?  To us as humans, I think the glory of God is so incomprehensible that it scares us.  It scared me into panic mode, like I used to do- heart pounding, hyperventilating, feeling like I'm living in a dream.  Hours later I've settled down, and I'm starting to try to figure it out.  Well, not all of it because that's impossible.  Most of all, I know I want to be there again.  God is moving in and around me, and it's almost tangible.  I felt like keeping it to myself today, but now I feel like I should share it.  Whatever happens from today on, I'm pretty sure it started this morning.  If you're reading this, pray for me.  I'm confused and excited and just a ton of emotions mixed together.  But praise God for this experience!

Great day for a picnic!

Yes, that's my mother on the slide with Holly... It's kind of embarrassing, but I'm getting used to it.

Work has been killing me for some reason this week.  I'm SOOOO tired.  I hadn't been sleeping well after we chopped down the half-dead tree in the front yard because it used to block the street light, so we just had blinds over the windows.  Well, it was so bright in the room I couldn't sleep and I had to go get curtains.  Thanks to Target, though, I got some rockin' curtains half price! 

I'm getting used to the weird/sad/new things I see at work now.  There's something new every day, though.  This morning I overheard a nurse explaining to a patient that his basic options were to live in a skilled nursing home for the rest of his life, in bed, on a vent, with a feeding tube, or they could disconnect everything and that would be it.  I could tell he was still in his right mind, but he was so weak he couldn't write or whisper anything to the nurse.  How does a person choose?  Especially when their family is standing right there?  That's got to be one of the most difficult things, besides choosing for another family member.  I also saw happy things this week.  I saw a really cute set of twins, and I saw a momma giving birth.  The curtain was open in the delivery room, and it was so quiet, with the nurse patting her on the belly, telling her she was doing a great job.  Quite different than the first lady I overheard...screaming in agony.  I'm so thankful for this job, the people I work with, and all the experiences I've had so far.  It's truly a blessing to be able to witness births, transplants, recoveries, stroke victims walking again, and even deaths.  I never thought of a hospital system as a miracle, but it really is, and so are all the people making it work.  God is so great to have blessed me with this job. :0)

Family, Friends, and Food Coma

I had such a wonderful day yesterday.  I took my sister Sara to see Ramona and Beezus, and rarely does she actually show interest in a movie let alone stay awake, but she loved this one!  I was so glad I chose it for us.  After that I had a really great lunch with Lindsey.  We had a fun time catching up, and I was even able to open up about some personal things.  I am usually a surface-subject conversationalist, but it was good to just have a no-holds-barred conversation with someone I trust and know won't judge me or anything.  You know, I don't have a ton of close friends, but the ones I do have are more than I could ever ask for.  I've been very blessed in that.  We also had some AWESOME food at the Cheesecake Factory, thanks to her momma's suggestion!  It kind of felt like that line from Eat Pray Love- "no carb left behind".  Pasta with tomatoes, basil pesto, fresh mozzarella, grilled chicken, and of course cheesecake- Red Velvet Cake Cheesecake.  For that "eat and never hunger" meal we're going to have when we get to heaven, I hope this cheesecake is on the menu!  After going in to a food coma, I was driving home and I saw a really big dude on a little scooter.  It cracked me up!  It's so cartoon-ish, and really, people should know their limits.  I'm all about saving gas money and being environmentally friendly, but you don't see my a$$ on a tiny scooter!  Not a chance!  Anywho, Joel and I watched Avatar when I got home, which was ok.  I may start a riot, but I didn't think it was as fantastical as some people made it out to be.  Yes it was visually stunning, but really all James Cameron did was take the story of the American Indian and apply it to a fictional group of indigenous people.  BFD, that's nothing new.  The story of groups being in touch with nature is not a new thing, and he just expanded on it a little.  As far as the Avatar body, I was reminded of the Matrix.  To me, it was more of a constructional success in the art of movie-making rather than a completely original plot.  (Commence riot.)

P.S.  This picture is from vacation in Estes Park this year at sunset in the Safeway parking lot.  If you click on it to make it full size, the big white hotel you see at the bottom is the hotel where they filmed the original "The Shining".  Beauty and creepiness combined!