No Ordinary Amy

Un-resolution

2011-01-02T17:32:00.000-06:00

Every moment is a new beginning. I try to tell myself that often, because often I make mistakes and end up feeling like a total screw-up. I think I might have good reason to feel inadequate, because all of us are. We cannot do alone what is possible only with God. So this year I'm resolving not to resolve anything, because every moment I can be made new by God's grace. Every moment, I should ASK to be made new by God's grace because I am simply His humble servant, not worthy of the gifts He gives me, yet He still gives and gives. I am nothing without Him, and I want to remember that, be aware of that every second of every day. My words do not seem like they do justice for the feelings of my heart, but I suppose that means I am on the right track. I have a desperate hunger for God, and I don't know if I need any other longing in my life. It is my purpose. We'll see what this year brings. I have never been so focused on God, and I'm hoping it will continue...

2 more laps...

2010-11-04T22:22:00.000-05:00

It's no secret to my friends that I'm a huge fan of Apolo Ohno. I first watched him on the ice in the 2002 Winter Olympics in Salt Lake City. It was phenomenal to watch this incredibly focused athlete skate short track with such a calm spirit. His strength is not only amazing, it's probably unrivaled in his sport. Anyways, I've been reading his book, Zero Regrets, and instead of being a book of secrets and revelations, it's about him growing into the person he is today. It's about taking advantage of the opportunities you are given in life. It's about not being scared to live life to the fullest. I admit, the dude has some weird things that he does as far as training and healing and all that, but it's his mentality I'm trying to enlist in my own life. At one point in short track, they added on two laps to a trial. Nine laps. Apolo started talking about endurance at that point. To sum it up, he explained it as one lap is equal to working out full-throttle. You have to do that seven times. Until they changed it... and then you still have 2 more laps after you've given all you're capable of giving...or so you think. It's like when you run and run, feeling the burn in your thighs and calves, your lungs about to explode...and you keep on going. (Yes, I did run at one point in my life!). I'm feeling that right now, only on an academic or mental level. I'm in the middle of my senior year of college. Finally. The end is near, I can see it coming! But I'm so freakin' worn out. I work hard at my job, I really do. Not that I'm bragging, but it's physically and mentally demanding. I walk all day, up to 8 miles actually. That's just the beginning. I also see wives break down and fall in the hallway after their husband has passed, teenage daughters sobbing on their mother's shoulder because her daddy had a heart attack and needs open heart surgery, the father on a ventilator reaching out as his son walks away, weeping, lost babies. I see the empty vessels after a person has passed. And I pray pretty much all day long on behalf of these people. Some of my co-workers can ignore all this stuff. I can't. God makes me see it. Then there's the always unpredictable variable. These days it's a case of cancer, and the waiting game to see if it's early enough. The waiting game always produces Twenty Questions multiplied by millions for me. With that trifecta of stressors, I still have two more laps. Until a few hours ago, I didn't give a hoot if I finished those last two laps, but you know what? I don't really have a choice. This is the path God has chosen for me, and He's gonna see me through it, even if he has to carry me all the rest of the way. This evening, I felt Him pick me up. He has lifted my spirit, and I'm not only going to finish this dang race of life, I'm going to win it! Life is about developing endurance, and I think I'm well on my way, even if I do need a Holy Helping Hand once in a while. :0)

Me, Myself and Lies

2010-09-20T21:33:00.000-05:00

This evening I began a Bible study called "Me, Myself and Lies" with a group of amazing women, and my learning started not long after I got home. We're supposed to be cleaning out our "thought closets", and I, feeling very proud of myself, was thinking that my closet's not that cluttered. I don't have much negative self-talk these days because I've been drawing closer and closer to God. And then BAM! I get home to finished some homework- group work, mind you- and I realized I'd read the class email wrong and missed the deadline to make final revisions. I'd let my group down. I'd gotten us a poor grade. I was a failed leader. What was that?? Negative thoughts?? It was like getting smacked in the face, God-style. His style is more like punching you in the heart, though, I think. I don't like letting people down AT ALL. I struggle with this on a daily basis. I pray about this all the time. Yet it happens again and again. What I haven't really realized, though, is that God loved me before I made that mistake, and He still loves me after I made that mistake- no less. Maybe He even loves me more! Maybe now that I've learned from this little bump in the road and applied His Word to it, He's rejoicing and loving me more because of it. I think that's what He wants for us anyways- for us to learn from His teachings, be it big things like compassion or His love, or little things like paying attention to detail. I mean, you never heard about Jesus being late to a baptism or gathering or Last Supper. He paid attention to detail. His schedule was determined by our Heavenly Father, while my school schedule is determined by my professor, but you get my point.

Anyways...It's so amazing to see God working so swiftly in my life. The more I learn, the more He teaches, and the more I hear Him in my heart.

What I'd like to say....

2010-09-14T19:27:00.001-05:00

Dear Abnormal Psych Group,

I understand that this is a difficult class, and it is very demanding. It requires a lot of time, which I understand is hard to come by when you're a student, parent, employee, etc. But YOU signed up for this class, along with any other classes you're taking. So get over it and do your work. Quit discussing how this class "pisses" you off in our discussion areas. Our teacher reads it, you idiots. Suck it up and just get it over with, or don't do anything and I'll take credit for everything. Whatever.

Your classmate,
Amy

What I really said:

Actually, if you look at the next three weeks, the workload does get smaller, except for our core assessment. And this week the Group Topic replaces our normal Homework. And Week 8 only has three assignments. So it does get better! And I don't think this discussion room is the appropriate place to vent about our frustrations with this class, especially since Professor can access it and it might be hurtful to her. Some classes are easier and some are waaayy harder, but we still go through it to achieve our ultimate goals. Good luck to all of us.

Amy :0)

I'm too nice for them. I hope it's contagious and I infect them with uncontrollable positivity. Heh, heh, heh!

No other explanation...

2010-09-05T19:29:00.000-05:00

I've GOT to get this off my chest. Some of you might think I'm a freak or off my rocker, but here it is.

After reading an incredible book about communicating with God, the spiritual warfare that is very real and going on every day in our lives, and developing an extreme want to connect more with God, I got what I wanted. In a small, scary way. I was alone, and it was mostly quiet. I wanted to just listen to see if God was talking. Clearing my mind is a very, very difficult thing for me to do. There are always distractions and noises everywhere that I seem to be extremely sensitive to. I have racing thoughts almost all the time, and an ongoing stream of conversation of self-talk. I don't know if I've ever truly emptied my mind until today. I kept telling myself to "be here now", because that's what God is, right? He is Now and Forever. I don't know why I even started this thought process, but I'm sure it was the Holy Spirit moving within me. Soon, "be here now" wasn't just a thought, it was an action, and I was being now. I was being now, and nothing else, and then it happened. It was like when you call someone and you know they're on the line, but neither one of you is saying anything. I was there listening for Him, and I wonder if He was listening for me. He didn't say anything, but I knew He was there. It only lasted for a few seconds, but it scared me. Not like horrifying, just frightening. I didn't understand the fright this morning, but you know how the angels in the Bible always told people to not be afraid? To us as humans, I think the glory of God is so incomprehensible that it scares us. It scared me into panic mode, like I used to do- heart pounding, hyperventilating, feeling like I'm living in a dream. Hours later I've settled down, and I'm starting to try to figure it out. Well, not all of it because that's impossible. Most of all, I know I want to be there again. God is moving in and around me, and it's almost tangible. I felt like keeping it to myself today, but now I feel like I should share it. Whatever happens from today on, I'm pretty sure it started this morning. If you're reading this, pray for me. I'm confused and excited and just a ton of emotions mixed together. But praise God for this experience!

Great day for a picnic!

2010-08-28T21:04:00.000-05:00

Yes, that's my mother on the slide with Holly... It's kind of embarrassing, but I'm getting used to it.

Work has been killing me for some reason this week. I'm SOOOO tired. I hadn't been sleeping well after we chopped down the half-dead tree in the front yard because it used to block the street light, so we just had blinds over the windows. Well, it was so bright in the room I couldn't sleep and I had to go get curtains. Thanks to Target, though, I got some rockin' curtains half price!

I'm getting used to the weird/sad/new things I see at work now. There's something new every day, though. This morning I overheard a nurse explaining to a patient that his basic options were to live in a skilled nursing home for the rest of his life, in bed, on a vent, with a feeding tube, or they could disconnect everything and that would be it. I could tell he was still in his right mind, but he was so weak he couldn't write or whisper anything to the nurse. How does a person choose? Especially when their family is standing right there? That's got to be one of the most difficult things, besides choosing for another family member. I also saw happy things this week. I saw a really cute set of twins, and I saw a momma giving birth. The curtain was open in the delivery room, and it was so quiet, with the nurse patting her on the belly, telling her she was doing a great job. Quite different than the first lady I overheard...screaming in agony. I'm so thankful for this job, the people I work with, and all the experiences I've had so far. It's truly a blessing to be able to witness births, transplants, recoveries, stroke victims walking again, and even deaths. I never thought of a hospital system as a miracle, but it really is, and so are all the people making it work. God is so great to have blessed me with this job. :0)

Family, Friends, and Food Coma

2010-08-08T08:47:00.002-05:00

I had such a wonderful day yesterday. I took my sister Sara to see Ramona and Beezus, and rarely does she actually show interest in a movie let alone stay awake, but she loved this one! I was so glad I chose it for us. After that I had a really great lunch with Lindsey. We had a fun time catching up, and I was even able to open up about some personal things. I am usually a surface-subject conversationalist, but it was good to just have a no-holds-barred conversation with someone I trust and know won't judge me or anything. You know, I don't have a ton of close friends, but the ones I do have are more than I could ever ask for. I've been very blessed in that. We also had some AWESOME food at the Cheesecake Factory, thanks to her momma's suggestion! It kind of felt like that line from Eat Pray Love- "no carb left behind". Pasta with tomatoes, basil pesto, fresh mozzarella, grilled chicken, and of course cheesecake- Red Velvet Cake Cheesecake. For that "eat and never hunger" meal we're going to have when we get to heaven, I hope this cheesecake is on the menu! After going in to a food coma, I was driving home and I saw a really big dude on a little scooter. It cracked me up! It's so cartoon-ish, and really, people should know their limits. I'm all about saving gas money and being environmentally friendly, but you don't see my a$$ on a tiny scooter! Not a chance! Anywho, Joel and I watched Avatar when I got home, which was ok. I may start a riot, but I didn't think it was as fantastical as some people made it out to be. Yes it was visually stunning, but really all James Cameron did was take the story of the American Indian and apply it to a fictional group of indigenous people. BFD, that's nothing new. The story of groups being in touch with nature is not a new thing, and he just expanded on it a little. As far as the Avatar body, I was reminded of the Matrix. To me, it was more of a constructional success in the art of movie-making rather than a completely original plot. (Commence riot.)

P.S. This picture is from vacation in Estes Park this year at sunset in the Safeway parking lot. If you click on it to make it full size, the big white hotel you see at the bottom is the hotel where they filmed the original "The Shining". Beauty and creepiness combined!

A lovely day

2010-08-05T20:30:00.000-05:00

I knew things were changing for the better! Today was a great day. I'm loving the IV room at work. I mean REALLY loving it. I feel like I'm learning it pretty quickly too. Rumor has it there's a need for a lead tech in IV, so maybe that will be something I can work up to. It would be nice to have something to work for instead of just being a tech and that's it. It's so relaxing in the IV room. It's quiet except for the radio, and it's just me, my trainer, and a steady flow of ivs to make. Honestly, though, I'm going to have to get some gum because after lunch, good gracious do I have bad breath- and I'm breathing right into my mask! Holy... it's bad.

I'm really looking forward to this weekend. Saturday morning I'll go pick up Sara and we'll go either to a movie or to an antique store in Platte City. Then I have a date with Lindy Lou, who I miss very much! I'm very excited to have a girl's afternoon with her at the Cheesecake Factory. Yummo! Then I have a date with my two favorite girls in the whole world, my puppies. We're going to watch movies and make it really cold in the house so we can snuggle on the couch in a blanket. Sounds so good! The hubs hopefully will watch movies with us too, at least Avatar, anyways.

I've been reading Revelation these days because with all the floods and earthquakes and fires and disasters...well, you just never know. And I want to know what Revelation has to say about the end. I have never read it in its entirety because I've been terrified to. But that was before I had really truly dedicated my life to Jesus, so now it's not so scary. I only just got through the first chapter, so I have a long ways to go, but so far so good! Oh! And I'm going to do a Bible study with some really, really awesome ladies next month. I'm pretty much ecstatic about this, not only for the learning, but just for the fellowship with a variety of ladies, some of whom I know accept and love my sense of humor. You see, I'm not funny. At all, really. I have my moments, but I could probably count them on one hand, and you better believe I documented those times! The people I work with now don't really get that, so if I say something un-funny, they just think I'm stupid. When in reality I'm just a huge dork.

Lastly, I have a couple of hospital stories. Firstly, I was not present for this event thank goodness, but apparently if an emergency surgery is needed in the neonatal ICU, they do it right there in the room! I am SO happy I wasn't there for that because I would have FREAKED out for sure. I'd have returned to the pharmacy crying, and I don't just shed a tear or two, I ugly-cry. Scrunched up face, snot-nosed, sobbing, ugly-cry. Not pretty. I'll have to remember to just put my blinders on and run if a bunch of commotion begins. Secondly, I saw my first dead body transport today. It was not what I thought it would be. I was expecting a body bag on a metal cart or something, but it was a regular hospital bed with just a cover over it, so there weren't any body-shaped packages. Very discreet. It's nice to know that people are treated so respectfully.

On that note...I'm about to have a lovely evening to end my lovely day!

The times they are a-changin'

2010-08-05T19:53:00.000-05:00

Come gather 'round people

Wherever you roam

And admit that the waters

Around you have grown

And accept it that soon

You'll be drenched to the bone.

If your time to you

Is worth savin'

Then you better start swimmin'

Or you'll sink like a stone

For the times they are a-changin'.

~Bob Dylan

I think things are turning around for me.  Today was a pretty good day, despite breaking a vial

of a controlled substance.  Oops.  Anyways, I was invited to

participate in a Bible study next month, which I'm really thrilled

about!  That's really what made my day.  It was so nice to be thought

of for that.  I miss my friend and she'll be there too, I found out

after work.  It's going to be great times with special people!







I finally admitted to myself that things may have become so craptastic for me because I was

ignoring God.  I let that stupid little devil whisper in my ear,

distracting me, and I gave in to it.  It makes me so angry that I

gave in.  I've been trying so hard this past year to stay on the

right path, and now I've slipped up and it cost me.  But you know

what I realized yesterday?  I am wearing the full armor of God, and

the day of evil did come, and I did everything I could, and I'm

standing!  Everything imploded around me, but here I stand.  And I've

gained knowledge, too.  Bring it on, devil.  Bring on the best you

got, because no matter what you throw at me, no matter how many times

you fool me and knock me down, I am empowered with God and knowledge,

and I will STAND!
Therefore put on the full armor of God, so that when the day of evil comes, you may be able to

stand your ground, and after you have done everything, to stand. 

Ephesians 6:13
(Seriously, I am in LOVE with this verse.  I find myself referring to it all the time!)
Oh yeah...Even if I can't stand in the end, Mr. Devil, God will be there holding me up, so you

lose either way.  So there.

Remembering

2010-07-31T21:17:00.000-05:00

I had a really rough week. I mean, it definitely made the top five of all time thus far. I won't get into the details, but in short, I ended up crying over it, which I think is a real rarity. Anyways, I always turn inward when things get really bad, so I spent a lot of time watching movies and remembering events in my past that they reminded me of. I also turn to animals when I'm down, so of course we went to the zoo. These activities ended up getting me to thinking about the death of my dachshund, Slinky. Slink-O and I had a weird relationship. I picked him out of a litter of puppies up north somewhere because he was the biggest one. He was also the most shy, so I think I picked him because we had things in common. Anyways, my family raised wiener dogs for a few years, and then we retired the females to a couple of little old ladies, I think, and we also tried to give away Slinky. I did not want to, and apparently he didn't want to go anywhere either because he hauled off and bit at some people who came to check him out! Therefore, Slink-O got to stay. He became more like just a family dog after that, staying in the kennel but half the time escaping and wandering the fields. He had a very happy retirement, I think. Then one winter, I got a phone call from my sister and she said he was sick, and I should come over to my mom's house as soon as I could. There was snow on the ground and probably wasn't a very good environment to drive in, but the tone of Em's voice made me think I should go. When I got to mom's, Slink was wrapped in some towels to keep him warm. He was breathing but he wasn't awake. He was so cold, so I took off my sweatshirt and wrapped him in it like a baby, held him tight and sat in a chair until he took his last breath. It was the first death of any kind in my life that I'd been present at. I don't know why it's such an important event to me, but I think about it often. I think about the deaths of my pets as much as I think about the deaths of my relatives and friends, especially after I've had a bad time. It makes me remember that whatever I've just gone through, it usually isn't as heartbreaking as those moments in my life. It makes me appreciate the crappy times as much as the good times because I learn so much from them. This week I've learned and re-learned many different life lessons, and hopefully I'll keep them in mind for the future.

I watched Life as a House today, and it helped me to remember things, too. Here's a quote from the main character, George:

"You know the great thing, though, is that change can be so constant you don't even feel the difference until there is one. It can be so slow that you don't even notice that your life is better or worse, until it is. Or it can just blow you away, make you something different in an instant."

I think maybe that's what happened to me this week. It blew me away, and I feel so different now. It's like that awareness of change slammed into me on Friday. Hopefully my life is better from it.

No lie

2010-07-27T19:46:00.000-05:00

I'm not gonna lie...the past couple weeks have been brutal. New job is kicking my butt! Getting up early is easier now, but there is just so much physical and mental activity that goes on, and I'm not used to that! It's good for me, I'm glad I'm moving more, and I can already feel a huge difference. Today, though, I felt it hit me full on. I don't think I realized how huge of a change taking on a new job is. It's enormous. I don't know everything like I have for the past few years, I don't know where all the departments are, and I have to ask for help a lot. I don't like that. I also miss my pharmacy family. They were who I spent the majority of my time with, who I consulted for my personal problems, and who I really enjoyed being around. We just learned about major life events in my Mental Health class, and it's no wonder "new job" falls under that category. Some people can't recover from such a change. Anyways...I think the biggest thing that's bothering me besides not knowing anything is some of the moments in hospital life. I normally don't look in the patient rooms, out of respect, and to save myself from seeing weird stuff. But today I glanced in a room, and there was my Grammie looking over at me. Not really, she passed away last December, but the lady looked freakishly similar. Threw me for a loop, and I was off my game the rest of the day. Then when it was almost time to go home, a code blue was announced over the intercom. Normally for those doctor pages, I don't even pay attention to them. But this one caught my attention since I was sitting right next to the speaker, and it hit me like a semi that someone was dying right then, just a couple floors above me. It's a lot for my mind to take.

Despite all these challenges I'm facing, I think it's the best decision I've made in years. It seems like the path to my ultimate goal, becoming a counselor, keeps getting straighter and straighter with each good decision God helps me make. I've met so many people in the hospital system who know others at different campuses, and even a couple who work on the psych campus. This is the kicker though- the hand of God at work...The lady who bought my Grammy's house in November works at the psych campus in Smithville, and knows a pharmacist I now work with, as well as people in the psych department. Talk about connections! Plus, she and her husband have really taken care of Grammy's house and have kind of adopted my family along with the house since it means so much to us. We'll see what other odd connections come of this major life event, and definitely more of God's handiwork. It never ceases to amaze me. :0)

Gifts

2010-07-14T21:39:00.000-05:00

This is just gonna be a quickie post before I go to bed. I was reading "Forgotten God" by Francis Chan this evening, and he was talking about recognizing and using our gifts from the Holy Spirit. And I had a light bulb moment!

I didn't really recognize Jesus as my Savior and accept Him into my heart until I was 23. I'll never forget that moment, because from that second during the song that was being performed at a church I've only ever been to once, my life changed drastically. It became more positive, more goal-driven, and just plain more hopeful. But I don't think I understood much about how the dynamics of my relationship with God worked until about a year ago. The whole process began about two years ago, when I began letting go of everyone's expectations for me, and started living for myself, doing what I wanted to do without worrying about what my family, friends, and even strangers would think about me. It was like I was playing Hot and Cold with the Holy Spirit. I could tell when He was saying "you're getting warmer!" as I made the right decisions in my life. And the warmer I've gotten, the louder His voice. Now in that book, the Holy Spirit just pretty much shouted at me, "see what I've been trying to lead you to!?" Mr. Chan mentioned 1 Corinthians 12, which, in summary, says that the Holy Spirit gives each person a different gift, and it's up to each person to identify their gift and use it to glorify God. I believe I've found mine! I was having so much trouble in my life up until the second I read that line in "Forgotten God" because I DIDN'T RECOGNIZE MY GIFT AS A GIFT! The compassion I have for others I thought was just a good characteristic to have, but it's not only that. It's my own special little present from God that I'm to use to bring Him glory! How awesome is that?!?!!

I'm sure if you know me you're thinking "well, duh. You didn't know that until now?!" I think I knew it, just not consciously, because I have chosen a career field where compassion is a key element. Hopefully by coming to this realization I can grow my relationship with the Holy Spirit so that He doesn't have to whack me in the forehead before I hear what He's saying!

Where have I been the last six months?!?

2010-07-12T21:53:00.001-05:00

I started orientation for a new job today. Boooorrriiinng. But informative. This is the first time in my life I've had to get all dressed up and act professional, AND I had to get up at 5:30am. The sun wasn't even up yet! However, getting up that early does have its advantages, such as not much traffic on the highways, and even the city was still mostly asleep when I arrived at the HR building. I could hear birds and quiet.

So I kind of feel like a grown up now. I hope it doesn't last. I honestly don't want to grow out of my mindset ever. EVER. I love having child-like faith, and especially still thinking fart jokes are funny. It's a major benefit of having a youthful mind, along with not being embarrassed about going to a cartoon movie with no children.

Anywho, I just got back last Friday from a family vacation to Colorado. It was a blast, I must say, despite the throwback to 8 year-old type of fighting with my sisters. It was ridiculous. For real, if I'd been about 20 years younger (yikes!) I'd have kicked Emily's butt a few times. Now that I could get arrested for it, it doesn't seem like such a good idea anymore. And I think my hubby is officially against any 12 hour rides with my family all in one vehicle. I have no idea why...(Emily: You always get what you want! No one ever lets me do what I want! Me: You're the one who wanted to hike back up the damn hill, and I died on the way up! I wanted to take the shuttle!)

The first day we went up Fall River Road, which is a narrow little switchback curve road that leads to the top of a pass. It's so beautiful. We walked down a little path to a waterfall on the way up, and by the time I climbed out of it, I was gasping for air! But it was worth the pictures I got. We saw bull elk right by the road, and cow elk all over one area. I bet there were 20 or 30 of them out eating and sunning themselves. It's just astonishing every time I see them. God's creatures are just so majestic and mysterious. It kinda just blows my mind. When we got back home, which was a cabin I'll tell you about later because that's a whole story in itself, Mom went upstairs to check out our living quarters and she says "Man, there's enough pillows in this place for 65 people! There's two stacks just right here!" I said, "Mom...that's a mirror...there's only one stack."

The first day of activities was also July 4th, and I forced everyone to go see the fireworks over Estes Lake. It was pretty amazing, but everyone sat in the truck except me and Joel, and it was so flippin' cold that I had jeans, a tank, a tshirt, a sweatshirt, and a blanket on! The best parts of the fireworks display were the children next to us, and the drunk lady. The kids next to us, a couple of 10 year old boys, immediately got out of their van and proceeded to run circles around it literally screaming "Ahhhhhhhh!!!" all the way around it for a good ten minutes or so. GREAT birth control. Then one of the boys started throwing french fries at our truck until my dad gave him the stink-eye and scared him off. But my FAVORITE, FAVORITE thing was the drunk lady who hopped over the ditch, hit the other side but was caught off-balance, and promptly fell backwards on her butt and did a backwards somersault going "Oh, ha ha!" If you run into me, you have to make me do the impression of her. It makes the story so much more funny. No one helped her up, and she looked rather cheesed after she managed to crawl out of the ditch. I don't know...maybe she heard me giggling. If she wasn't drunk, it was just a sad, sad situation.

Well, I think that's all I have the energy to post today. Probably more tomorrow, or later this week. More fun vacation stories to come!

Follow me on Twitter @NoOrdinaryAmy

I'm such a weiner...

2010-01-25T13:11:00.000-06:00

My companions today...

I HATE calling in to work. I loathe it. I hate picking up the phone to do it, even. But as things go, I hurt my back yesterday and because it hurts so bad I was crying, I called in. I feel like such a baby...ya know...ooh my back hurts, I can't work today...Wah. If I was my co-workers today, I'd be going 'get over it and get to work!'. So I plan on hanging out with my companions (see above) and having a little couch party. The only no-show is Icy Hot, I'm not really sure where he's at. I'd really love to have him here. Hopefully a little rest and my couch party will do the trick, because I don't like going to the doctor for back problems. I'd just get more muscle relaxers and ibuprofen, both of which I already have a good supply, and a list of stretches and stuff, which I'm already doing. But on to other things...

And we know that God causes everything to work together for the good of those who love God and are called according to his purpose for them. -Romans 8:28

This is from my Lessons on Living devotion today. What I get from it is that even though bad junk happens, God works it into His ultimate purpose. Its such a comforting thing to know. It's like that saying "Everything is okay in the end. If it's not okay, it's not the end." All the disasters in the world, particularly that in Haiti right now, fill me with unrest and worry, but this passage makes it easier to bear. Everything is not okay for those people who have lost everything, but eventually God will make it so. My devotion today also states that there are no guarantees in life except God's. There is no guarantee that my plans will go right, that troubles will not come my way, that my earthly dreams will be fulfilled. There is only God's guarantee that if I love Him and seek Him and devote all that I do to Him, there will be His love in return. His love will be there no matter what. And that, I think, makes life worth living, even without worldly guarantees.

Transformation

2010-01-18T22:01:00.002-06:00

This is what happens when someone carves a cruddy little heart on a tree. God takes those cuts, those injuries on that tree, and transforms it into something beautiful. I hope this is what happens to my soul, because it kinda hurts right now. I drove by my Grammy's house yesterday. It's so weird to miss something that has no ability to miss me back, to love me back, or anything pertaining to human emotions. Maybe I miss the spirit of the house that our family created. Maybe I miss the memories and the ability to make more memories there in the future. Whatever it is, that house on the hill is still important to me and I'm still attached to it. Ooh, I'm like a house stalker. Weird.

On a lighter note...when one works at a pharmacy one does not have much of a choice when it comes to who one deals with professionally. Doctors and nurses are from all over, from all walks of life, and from varying levels of common sense. As my Big Boss likes to say..."the guy who finishes last in his class in med school? Ya still call him Doctor!" So here's the conversation I had first thing at work today:

Nurse: I'm calling back on Patient X? Well, we called that script in on November 16, and you called us back and we switched it to something else.

Me: Yes, and she wants to switch it back to med #1. We don't have med #1 on file because you switched it.

Nurse: But we already called it in in November.

Me: Yes, and you changed it and I have no script on file for med #1. I need a new order. We have no record of it because you changed her medication.

Nurse: Well, I show we called it in already with six refills. Why don't you have it?

Me: (at a loss for words)...We just don't. Nevermind.

I know I sound pretty rude at the last part there, but give me a friggin' break. Obviously there was a miscommunication at some point, and I realize that, but the bottom line is that we need a new order for the patient. It wasn't a life or death situation, but if it had been, the patient would be dead because the nurse insisted on acting like one of those pesky flies that keeps running into the window trying to get out and it just can't. Accept the situation for what it is, and move on. Or open the window.

ADD Post

2010-01-12T22:39:00.001-06:00

Hmmm... Curiosity got the best of me yesterday, and I looked up the person on death row I'm writing to through the Death Row Support Project to see what he'd done to get in there. Disturbing. But if I can befriend a person who's done such a terrible thing, maybe it'll make it easier to deal with the everyday, annoying people I run across.

People call the pharm to ask the dumbest questions. Today we had someone ask why her test strips say "not for retail sale". We explained that it's because the strips we bill through Medicare say that because they're for Medicare only. She asked us why the manufacturers don't say "not for retail sale- only for prescriptions". Now how are we supposed to answer that?? How can you NOT say something that's going to sound like a smart-aleck remark? Virtually impossible.

I really don't like facebook. I'm so freaking addicted to it that I check it during the time I'm doing my homework just to see if someone has updated their status. Do I really need to know if someone has added red seaweed to their virtual aquarium? There has to be a meeting for Facebook-aholics somewhere close.

I also really don't like being a slave to money. I know I dug myself into my current situation, but some days I'd like to change my identity and move to a different country to start from zero. I can count pills anywhere. There's always a job market for that. Or I could become a dog groomer, except that I can't groom very well. Unless you count shaving as grooming.

One of my classes this semester is Theories of Personality. Why people are how they are. Awesome. Now I will be able to explain to myself why the guy yesterday turned bright red and stormed out when I said the pharmacist just needed to check his scripts and we'd have them in a minute. But so far I haven't found a chapter called Irrational A$$holes.

I hate it when my friends are hurting. Yesterday my friend broke down crying because she had some memories of her mother come flooding back. Her mom had cancer and passed away a few years ago. I didn't know what to do except lead her to a quiet place and let her just cry, and I gave her a hug. Sometimes silence and presence make the most comfort. I hope that was the case yesterday, because I don't think there's anything else in this world that can heal a hurt like that.

Good News Bad News, and a Vocabulary Lesson

2010-01-09T22:52:00.001-06:00

But first, a word about Jose. Jose is a duck that I gave to my Grammy during one of her hospital stays. I figured everyone brings her flowers or cards or normal junk like that, and I wanted to be different. So I brought her a duck in a sombrero. She smiled when I gave it to her and said "He's cute!".

Good news: My friend Ana got engaged! Bad news: My friend Oliver found out his wife is cheating on him.

Good news: I temporarily fixed my laptop charger before school started. Bad news: School starts on Monday. Boo.

Anywho...on to other things. People are so funny sometimes, and I wonder, what the heck would make them think the way they do?! A guy stopped by the pharmacy the other night, and bought a shower chair. He starts to leave but then asks if he can use our bathroom, and we told him we don't have a public restroom. He gave The Cashier the Stink Eye, so she said she'd check with the pharmacist, came back with the same answer, we don't have a public restroom (because it would allow him access to patient information, not to mention all of our meds, and it's a HIPAA violation). So what does he do?! He puts the shower chair back on the counter and demands that he return it. Because if he "can't use our restroom, he doesn't want to do business with us." Bahahahaha! I really wonder what his day was like. I mean, what would make you so mad that you did something like that?! What a weirdo!

Speaking of the pharmacy, here's where the vocab lesson comes in from...

Financial Dictionary

Deductible: (noun)
1. The amount you have to pay out-of-pocket for expenses before the insurance company will cover the remaining costs.

Investopedia Commentary
1. For example, if you get into an accident and your medical expenses are $2,000 and your deductible is $300, then you would have to pay the $300 out-of-pocket first before the insurance company paid the remaining $1700.

There. Now hopefully the word will spread and people will actually know what we're talking about when we say "fifty dollars of your total today is being applied to your deductible". When I tell people this, some of them look at me like I'm speaking a foreign language. Or they say, no I don't have one of those, could you call the insurance? And then I'm on hold for half an hour, because probably sixty percent of customers with a deductible in all pharmacies are having their techs call for the same info, and then I tell them the exact same thing I just told them half an hour ago. Sometimes I just want to pretend I've called. "Yeah, let me just go call on our special insurance-only phone..." I also want to print out this definition and post it all over the pharmacy. Or maybe publish it in an ad in the paper, with a header like this:

FREE Information:

People always read stuff that starts with FREE. I do, anyways.

Frigid

2010-01-05T17:36:00.000-06:00

I knew I left those weeds there all summer for a reason...look how pretty!

So....I had the day off from work, and I'd planned to do some housework and stuff, but I ended up doing pretty much NOTHING. I woke up I'm not sure when and then just laid in bed with the dogs, who were quite content with that seeing how they were having so much fun using the mattress as a wrestling arena. Besides, it was like, -2 degrees out this morning.

"Once we break from the things of the world, we will see that the treasures of God far more than take the place of the things of this world." This is what my daily devotion said today. That's a big one. How many times have I found myself being a slave to my own materialistic crap? Too many to count. I just want to take a big garbage bin and throw all the crap in our house away in it. The useful stuff I would give away. I want the Got Junk? people to come in and help, too. I should just have my mother come over- she's really good at that. Then maybe if I didn't have all that junk to mess with I could focus on other things. You know, come to think of it, there is just me and Joel in this household, and about a million dishes. If we just had a few things to cook with and eat off of, neither of us would be dreading doing the dishes after they stack up. And I'd also have time to do other things- extra reading time! The title of that devotion today was "Fruitfulness Requires Separation". Perhaps separation from the materialistic things of this world is just the separation that I need. :)

Beyond Delicious

2010-01-03T20:04:00.006-06:00

Ahhhuuugghh. That is the sound one makes when stuffed full of yummy chili and ice cream. Wonderfully stuffed.

It snowed again today, starting last night, actually. I am starting to believe that the 5 foot pile of snow in our yard from the snowplows is never going to go away. It'll stay there, but start moving an inch a year or so like a glacier. Then instead of having a road name that everyone spells wrong, we could live on Glacier Circle.

I'm sure people would still spell that wrong.

As aforementioned, I made chili tonight. Not just any chili...the best, most perfect-for-my-tastebuds chili ever. I'm not one for spicy things. Or cooking. But I have been inspired by the Pioneer Woman, so instead of making her uber-spicy chili, I stepped out of the chili seasoning packet and added brown sugar. A LOT of it. And it was scrumptious! It was still a little spicy, but not burn-your-mouth-so-bad-you-have-no-feeling-left hot. And I have entered the world of dicing. I diced a whole onion and three, yes, THREE, stalks of celery tonight. I looked like Rachel Ray in super slow-mo, but I diced my little heart out. And had ice cream for dessert!

All this cooking has made me start thinking about my role as a wife. Honestly, I'm not a very good one, and I don't even know how to begin to be a good wife. Except for what the Bible says about being submissive to your husband. Whoops. I am such a spoiled brat. Joel does everything for me except gas up my car. So that's another thing to be working on. I want to be a good wife so I'm prepared to be the bride of Christ when it's time. What if I was the bride of Christ and behaved like I do now? Would I have the balls to ask Jesus to bring me the remote or another diet coke? No way!!! So I guess it's not about being a princess and taken care of. It's about me fulfilling an important role in order to do my duty as a Christian woman, and to serve Jesus later. At least that's how I see it. And at least if I screw up, which I will, I know that the grace of God is there to bail me out. ⁸For it is by grace you have been saved, through faith—and this not from yourselves, it is the gift of God— ⁹not by works, so that no one can boast. ¹⁰For we are God's workmanship, created in Christ Jesus to do good works, which God prepared in advance for us to do.
Ephesians 2:8-10

Oh, and now for a shameless plug...

My friend Adam, who I've unofficially adopted as the brother I never had, is planning a trip across the states with three other crazy goobs, including his little bro, on bikes. Not hairy-gross-guy bikes, bicycles. You should check out his website and keep up with them. I can guarantee it's gonna be funny. It's training season for them right now, and the trip starts in May, I think. I'm excited for it! It'll give me a chance to take advantage of their carb-loading and make the Pioneer Woman cinnamon rolls and waffles and pastas!

That's it for today folks--Peace, I'm out.

Grammy and I

2010-01-02T21:17:00.003-06:00

My, my, my. It's been a long time since I've blogged. There have been many milestones along the way. I'll discuss them as I go along...

First, some happy news. I finished my first full-time semester with a 4.0 GPA while also working full-time. Yay me! I didn't know if I was going to make it this last term (my semesters are broken into two eight-week terms), but, by golly, I managed with the help of God. I think He took pity upon me because of the circumstances of Him taking Grammy to heaven and all. Yeah, Grammy passed away on December 4th at 12:45am. I got to be there holding her hand. Now THIS is an amazing story.

Mom called me the morning of December 3rd and said that hospice told them it would only be hours before Grammy would pass away. I called into work and spent the whole day there with a lot of my other family members coming in and out throughout the day. Grammy was gone already, if you know what I mean. Like, she had not spoken to us or responded to anyone for a couple days before. I like to think that she could hear us. Or maybe she was watching us care for her in those last hours. At 11:30 that evening, it was just Mom, my aunt, and I. Everyone else had gone home. We decided to go rest out in the living room of the nursing home for a while, and give Grammy some privacy. Mom told her what we were doing, and I wanted a moment alone with Grammy, so I stayed behind to get a book I'd brought. I held her hand for a moment and said "It's ok." What I meant, but could not say was that it was ok to let go, that we'd be ok if she wanted to let go and be with God and Grandpa and everyone else. I think she knew that. Less than an hour passed before my aunt came to get Mom and I because she'd woken up, gone back to Grammy's room, and Grammy's breathing had changed dramatically. I immediately pulled up a chair next to the bed and held her hand. Mom left for a moment, and my aunt went to get the nurse. And this is the most amazing part...Grammy had a fever and her hand was just on fire in mine. Her pulse was so strong you could see it in her arm and neck and stomach through her shirt. I felt it, too, in her wrist. And then it was gone. Seconds later my aunt, Mom and the nurse all came back into the room and we all knew she was gone. But that moment, those couple of seconds when I was there with her and she passed, were probably the most amazing seconds I've ever experienced in my life. God was there in that room with us, and I knew it and it made me so happy that I couldn't even cry for my loss. I was so happy that Grammy got to go Home for Christmas. Home in Heaven with all her family and friends who have gone before her. It was over. Her battle was won.

Eleven days later a young girl I'd come to know through her website, and her sisters who worked at the same company as I do, passed away from cancer. That one was a surprise. Kenna was such a strong fighter I thought she'd make it. She'd made it through a second bone marrow transplant and was doing surprisingly well, but she got an infection in her lung that took her very quickly. She was 13 years old.

After that I went into a depression I haven't felt in a long time. I slept all the time. I couldn't sleep until after 12:45am anyways, and then I slept late in the mornings and took long naps in the evening. It was an escape. I had nightmares for a little while because Grammy looked so much like an Auschwitz victim in the end. She looked like she did in that dream I had last summer. It was scary, I'm not gonna lie.

Then for Christmas God stepped in and made sure I knew there was a higher purpose being served. My husband gave me the book Crazy Love by Francis Chan. I'd been thinking of buying it for a long time, but he needed a gift idea for me so I told him about this book. I read it in a few days, and my behavior as a Christian has been dramatically affected. I had been making things so difficult! And guess what?! I have a purpose! Yup, that's right, I figured out my purpose in this life. I know what my "calling" is. And here's what it is...

Wait for it...

It's

to

LOVE!!!!!

Why didn't anyone tell me that earlier? That's so simple! Well, sorta. But the concept is simple. I don't have to do major research in science and make a discovery that changes mankind forever. I just need to love mankind in all its messy glory, no matter if that person is my enemy or not. See, that's gonna be the hard part, but the point is that I know that I'm supposed to love everyone and I know to try. I bet there are a ton of peeps out there that haven't realized that. At least that's what I tell myself since it took me a whole 27 years to figure it out! Geez. I know I'm a late bloomer, but WOW. And guess what else...I don't have to be perfect! I am not perfect, I shouldn't aspire to be perfect because that is impossible, and it's ok if I screw up because it's bound to happen! Such simple things to make such a difference in my life. Woot woot!

So...I guess we'll see where this next year in my life takes me. Hopefully to my graduation in December, for one! That is the big thing I'm anticipating this year, actually finishing school. I've been in school off and on for eight years now. I have enough credits to have a bachelor's in General Studies of Everything in Life. I wish they'd made such a creature... Anywho- Cheers to the new year!

Sunday, 26 July 2009

2009-07-26T12:19:00.003-05:00

Busy little guy...

My grandmother is in the hospital with an infection after only two chemo treatments. Yesterday I was angry. I wanted to go to a shooting range and just empty clip after clip, screaming with each fire. But lacking a gun, I went shopping instead. Actually I returned some clothes I'd bought and would probably never wear. I bought a book. Why are there all these books for people dealing with cancer, about having hope and never giving up, but there are none for people who know someone with a cancer that can't be beat? What about those of us who are trying to deal with not knowing how much time there is? The book I bought is the closest thing I found to something like that, and I hope it helps me. It's about not letting a bad situation get the best of you, and how to learn and grow from it. And just a note about actually locating the book at the bookstore: I don't think the self-help section should be located directly adjacent to the sex/relationship section. I'm there moping about my awful mood, trying to find this book, looking at the headings over the sections, and while I'm looking in alphabetical order for my book, there's a man next to me leafing through who-knows-what kind of how-to sex book. Nice. Kind of reminded me not to take life too seriously.

I'm feeling pretty empty today. I slept almost a full 12 hours last night, and I feel rested, just emotionally drained. I'm tired of feeling like that. Right now I'm trying to build up the strength to go see my grandmother. I hate hospitals. I always feel like I'm supposed to bring something, but she really has no need for books or magazines or flowers. She's too tired.

Tuesday, 21 July 2009

2009-07-21T21:20:00.004-05:00

Nature's strong beauty...

Well, I'm still walking around in the fog of my own mind, and I'm mentally exhausted. I'm embarrassed at how I acted at work yesterday. No one else freaks out and loses it. Or maybe they do, and they just call in for the day. I wanted to have something to take my mind off all my worries, but working was not the answer. My grandmother had her first chemo treatment today. My mom said it doesn't make her sick, but it could cause neuropathy, and she has to take her temperature at least 3 times a day to make sure she doesn't get an infection. She also has to eat every 2 hours, but I'm sure that won't happen. She doesn't eat much normally anyways. It almost literally drives me insane to not know how much time we have with her, or if this treatment will work. From what I've read, even young healthy people with her kind of cancer don't usually survive more than 5 years. It's been 16 months since her official diagnosis.

Today at work people kept asking me how I felt. I always answered that I could be better, but I'm ok. What I really wanted to say, or shout actually, was that if one more person asked me how I felt, they will feel how I feel, which is like my guts are being wrenched inside me, my heart is being squeezed with the iron fists of anxiety, and my mind is slowly, slowly bleeding out from me, so that all that is left is a body without soul. And all I do is sit and wait or sleep.

Oh, but now for a joyous celebration! I've been trying for weeks and weeks to get all my info in to my new college, and finally I am able to register for classes! Wonder of wonders, hallelujah! I even bought my book already! Now I am very excited for school to begin. One more month, I hope I can wait! I hope my grandmother is around to see me graduate!

Monday, 20 July 2009

2009-07-20T20:18:00.001-05:00

Resemblance of my recurring nightmare...

Today has been a day from hell. I had a dream the other night that my grandmother was at the end of her battle with cancer. She could not talk, or eat or move or anything, and she was living at my mom's house. We kept waiting for her to die. One morning I walked upstairs, and I saw my grandmother, motionless, skeletal. I thought she was dead. I asked mom if she was, and she said no, look. So when I leaned next to my grandmother, her eyes opened and she looked at me with these bright electric blue eyes. She couldn't move or speak, but she still had a spark in her eyes that told us her mind was still there. I picked up her small, frail, wasted body and carried her to another room. She was so light. Her body made me sick to my stomach, and I wished that she would just die so it would be over. And then I woke up. That image of her wasted frame, those burning blue eyes, has stayed with me ever since. It's true that she does not look like that, but she does resemble it some days. She has lost 60 pounds in the past year. She's just emaciated. Now they are going to start treatment again, and I really don't want them to. I want her to be like she was. She's still a smart-aleck, but her love for life is almost gone. I don't think she wants to be here much longer, with grandpa gone, and her friends passing away. At work, all I could see was that image from my dream, and I lost it. My hands started shaking, I couldn't concentrate on my work, and I felt like I was losing my mind. June was at lunch, so I went and sat down in the break room with her and just cried. I cried because I'm angry and sad and confused and out of control. I cried to let out some of the emotions I've been holding inside. June said she thought I needed just to have a good, hard cry, but I couldn't. I took off early, and was crying again as soon as I hit the parking lot, but I couldn't really cry. That was truly a moment inside the bell jar. All these emotions get so out of control, and I feel like I can't contain it. I feel like I might hurt myself during times like today. Just to make the feelings stop. June reminded me that for my grandmother, it's probably not as painful as it is for me. I'm young, and I want lives to go on. But my grandmother has had a long life, she's probably missing her husband she lost four years ago, and her friends she's lost lately. She may feel like this is okay. I hope so. I'm too afraid to ask her. When I was crying today, I just wanted my mom. I wanted it to be like when I was a young girl and she would tell me it's going to be okay. I wanted to call her and cry on the phone, listen to her cry along with me. To know that we're both hurting, and even though it's her mother, she can still be a mother to me. Right now I am feeling so crazy inside that I don't even want to think about that this is God's world, it's in His hands. I know that. But it doesn't mean I have to like it. I don't hate God, I can't say I'm really mad at Him. But this is a difficult trial. I know that in the end we will all make it through this, but right now I'm focused on right now. And it's hard times.

Saturday, 18 July 2009

2009-07-18T12:40:00.000-05:00

Dreamy clouds...

My dreams are definitely the most exciting part of my life right now. I mean, where does this crazy crap come from? Last night's dream entertainment was located in a beautiful part of the country. Where, I know not. Mountains and ocean shores and flowers growing wild on the beaches and meadows. Just grand. I was taking advantage of the photo ops. I was also on vacation with my family. We stayed in a home we rented on the shore, and it was very cluttered and messy. It was actually my friend's home, I found out surprisingly, and they owners were renting it out for vacationers because she was being evicted. So, my mom told me we were leaving because we couldn't afford to rent it for more than one night because it was $420 a night, and I began going through all the closets and cabinets in every room. I was stealing stuff! I remember looking in a bag that contained lots of makeup, considered that my friend who was losing her home might be back or might not, and decided to take it anyways. Then we left in the truck and my sister said we were going to spend a couple days in Texas, and then go home. That was the end of the dream. What the heck!? So, here's my amateur interpretation. I do long for the scenery of Colorado, and that's where I think we were in my dream. I've been feeling out of control lately, so maybe being on vacation with my family makes me feel good because I don't need to be in control. When I was younger, it was easy to just let Dad drive and take us to someplace beautiful to play and relax. Stealing also may be a representation of feeling out of control and trying to get it back. I've been feeling that cancer is stealing my grandmother from me, so maybe I'm trying to make a one-up. Get ahead of the game. I do feel better about having crazy dreams to express my stress than having it express itself through the panic attacks I used to have at work.

Anyways, I have about 5 hours to get ready for the party tonight. I don't know why I work so hard for these things. I've just spent 45 minutes in the shower conditioning and shaving everything. I've painted my toes, and dug through a monstrous pile of laundry to find the black shrug that goes with my dress. And just so you know, I don't wear dresses. The only dress I owned before I went shopping the other day was my wedding dress. But I thought I'd at least try to be a girl this weekend so I can blend in. I'm such a tomboy that when we go out, I stick out like a knife in someone's chest.